I Thought I Had My Sh*T Together

Healing isn't linear.

You ever feel like shit ain’t looking like people said it would? Like the weight of the world is pressing down on you, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to get it together?

I’ve been there. In fact, I’m there more often than I’d like to admit.

Growing up, I faced those painful experiences of abandonment and loss. As I’ve talked about before, my father left when I was young, and my mother’s death left me grappling with feelings of unworthiness and a desperate need for validation.

One moment, I feel like I’m the baddest bitch, bursting with energy and ideas. Then next, I’m paralyzed by doubt. It’s like a rollercoaster of emotions—constant highs and lows. And chile, I feel like I’m gonna throw up.

Why do we be letting that fear of failure hold us back? Why do we give so much power to what others might think?

Sometimes I find myself sitting for hours thinking about everything I want to do but never taking action because I’m so overwhelmed with imaginary opinions. And of my own thoughts of planning, taking action and then ultimately failing.

Or is it that I’m really scared of succeeding?

I think as a gay man I also put so much pressure on myself to succeed. To get it right and to be wildly successful to prove that I do belong. To prove that even though I’m gay, I can still be somebody.

I blame society for even making me question that my queerness could mean I’m less than but what am I to do? They yell it in our face every chance they get.

I think about how everything I do will be received. Will people like it? Will they hate it? Will I feel fulfilled? I don’t know. I’m tired of all this thinking and wishing but not doing. I want to do, but I’m overwhelmed with doubt.

I constantly ask myself the same question.

“Why can’t I just do the thing and not worry so much about the outcome?”

Am I too focused on being perceived as successful rather than just doing what I want for me? And why have I allowed this world so much control over my life and actions?

It’s like I’m afraid to do anything because I’m so focused on it being perfect. I’m so focused on it being this massively successful thing that gives people this idea that I am somebody. That I am worthy.

And there it is, that feeling of worthiness and my doubt about it. That’s it, isn’t it? I’m not taking action because I’m banking too much on how this thing will make me seem worthy.

Why is it that I’m always questioning my worth? Some days I feel like I’ve figured that out. Other days I’m constantly searching for my worth in other people. In other people’s thoughts and opinions about me.

In their praise.
In their validation.

And the worst part is that I thought I had moved past this. I thought I had ‘healed,’ but it still shows up from time to time. It still smacks me in the face and says, “You’re still a piece of shit, stop trying and just accept that.” Man, how this trauma has affected my life.

Honestly, I’m so tired of it.

The good thing though is that, most days I am beating it. Whatever ‘it’ is I’m talking back to it and telling it that it can’t have me anymore. It can’t steal my joy. But I’d be lying if I said I was winning every day.

Truth is, I’m not. Some days I wake up feeling defeated and confused. Feeling overwhelmed and down. As if I’m not good enough. I have healed a lot and have gained strength enough to fight back against these feelings, but sometimes they are stronger than me, and all I can do is let them pass.

That’s one thing I have learned to understand. These feelings WILL pass. They will pass because I’m still here even after all the times they’ve shown up.

I’ve cried through them.
I’ve yelled through them.
I’ve worked through them.

And they have passed.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that the root of my paralysis was a fear of not being enough. Not being perfect. I’ve learned that it’s okay to have days when we’re not winning. What matters is that we keep moving forward, even if it’s just a small step.

When I’m overwhelmed with doubt, I’ve found that reaching out to my loved ones to express my feelings really helps. That sense of community and a shoulder to cry on really allows you to open your heart and get out of your mind.

Because that’s what we really need to do, is get out of our mind.

Reaching out to community also gives you an opportunity to learn about yourself through the eyes of someone else who truly loves you because they’ll be able to tell you about all the amazing things they see that that evil little voice inside of your head won’t let you see.

And then you can cry. Cry until you feel better. Let the emotions out.

They will pass.

Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, ‘The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.’ Accepting that we will have bad days, that we will feel unworthy at times, is the first step toward healing.

I know I’ll be okay, but damn, this is tough. I wish I could say that once you’re healed, those feelings never come back.

But they do, and it sucks because once you’re aware of them, there’s no going back.

But you’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay.
We will be okay.

Keep fighting.

And if you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Share your story, reach out to someone you trust, or leave a comment below. Let’s support each other on this journey.